Dark fantasy short I'm working on

Michael · Last edited by Michael on Wed Jul 25, 2007 11:35 am; edited 1 time in total

Here's another work in progress. This one is related to the published work I mentioned in another thread. The same request as before applies: please critique on plot, character development, etc.

Hesa Yegyun (HAY-sah YAY-gwin) perched lightly on the branch, scanning the forest for signs of magic. A combination of spells and physical prowess held him aloft at eighty or more hand-spans above the ground.

His magical senses were as keen as his knives, as it should be for any Scout. After only one Cycle in active service to the tribe, Yegyun had advanced into the Heart of the Dove Clan.

The Heart of Hun’Dau Na was an elite team of seven Scouts, led by the Middle Hand—a member of the ruling Council of Elders. In the Dove Clan, the Middle Hand was also called the Heart of the Jutsu.

This was Yegyun’s first mission with the team, and it carried with it more than the usual measure of anxiety. However, he had to admit, some of that was due to the nature of the assignment.

For several Moons now, Shang Zi—a small Quda’Chi village near the Ju’Mua Na border—had been silent. There had been no word to relatives in other villages, and subsequent attempts by the Clan Elders to contact Shang Zi Elders telepathically had failed. Then, about two weeks ago, a Scout from Yudax encountered a heavy mist when he approached the region.

The mist did not reach as high as Yegyun’s perch, but everything on the ground was invisible to normal vision. Still, his magical senses revealed everything he had to know about the surroundings—at least, he hoped so. Some things knew how to disguise their energy, and then even a Spirit Talker’s Witch sight could not find them.

He sensed the presence of his nearest companions, D’Shen and X’Nan (Shen and Nan in common usage), at equal distances to his left and right. Their active spells were subtle, but Yegyun could read them. Apparently, nothing else stirred within the wispy shroud that embraced the jungle.

Traveling in the trees did little to improve visibility, Yegyun reflected morbidly. It was the Dark of Talon Moon—second Moon in the Cycle—and light was scarce under the canopy.

He patted the leather sheath that hung from the right side of his trousers. The touch of the long, gilded hilt of his Scout knife—Qin wu Xa (KEEN woo SKAH)—reassured him. Its blade was two hand-spans long and, at the broadest part of the curve, nearly a full hand-span wide. Yegyun had painted it, blue with the picture of a golden eagle in flight, and enchanted it himself, as all Hunjan War Witches did.

A Scout was part of a specialized breed of the practitioners of Mute (moo-TAY), the Art, which manifested in the two forms of Witchcraft and War Witchcraft. Mute included martial arts and reverence to the Gods. Scouts were primarily War Witches who fought with knives, darts, and vudoqen—small, star-shaped projectiles.

In the Dove Clan, few Witches served as Scouts, and those who did—according to Yegyun—were a strange lot.

Yegyun scanned the branches higher up before deciding to proceed toward the next checkpoint. Q’Rena, the Middle Hand, expected them to report at regular intervals, but he did not trust this forest.

He thought he noticed a brief flicker of arcane light in the tree directly across from him, at a height he could not determine. It had been dim and was gone before he looked again. Now he was uncertain there had been anything there.

“There is power in the Heart,” Yegyun whispered then. There was plenty of energy available to him, so measuring it was not his purpose in reciting the Dove mantra. Instead, he wanted to know how much longer the Jungle Rider spell—which enabled him to maintain balance and move among the trees—would last.

I am good for now, he thought, and jumped straight up to the next branch. As his hands wrapped around it, something heavy pounded into his back and caused him to slip.

Yegyun dropped at a slight angle toward the ground, but he did not allow this to affect him. He latched onto a lower limb of the closest tree in his path and swung up to land gracefully on his toes and the fingers of his left hand. With his right hand, he drew Qin wu Xa, then searched the area for the perpetrator of this attack.

He was convinced that something had struck him deliberately. What Yegyun could not find with either mundane or Witch senses the light of his blade would. Just below him, on the trunk of the tree, he saw a bulky shadow climbing swiftly toward him. When it stopped next to his branch, Yegyun recognized it immediately.

A shadow monkey! he thought.

The creature was about seven or eight hand-spans tall and covered entirely with gray hair. Its eyes were also gray, featureless orbs that seemed to deny revelation of its mysteries. Long, thin talons extended from its paws and clung with ease to the wood.

Yegyun released a vudoqen from his left wristband and breathed a spell on it, then flung it toward the shadow monkey. The projectile sank into the creature’s throat an instant later. Sapphire light erupted from the wound and began to spread out to cover its body. Before it could fall, the monkey dissipated into a cloud of blue sparks, which trailed away into the mist below.

Shadow monkeys were magical creatures, as Yegyun knew, and a strong enough spell could remove them from the physical realm.

As he expected, he heard Rena speak in his mind then. The use of magic would have alerted her immediately.

–Yegyun, what happened?-

-Honorable Heart,- Yegyun replied, -I was attacked by a shadow monkey.-

-You are sure of this?-

Another dark shape scrambled higher up into the tree. Yegyun wondered why he could not divine them with more than ordinary senses.

-Yes, I am sure,- he said then, -and there may be more.-

-Scouts! Stay focused! They might be familiars.-

Rena’s warning brought images of Jutsu Witches practicing Chen’Mute. According to Hunjan lore, the Art was linked to the Oath of Balance, giving rise to the schools of Ju’ and Chai’—Light and Dark. The Dove Clan’s rituals included both Ju’Mute and Chai’Mute, depending on the tribe or village. But the Oath could also be broken, when people or worse—the Gods—of one school sought to eradicate the other.

Was there a Coven of Oath-breakers in Shang Zi?

-Yegyun,- Rena called, -Shen has found a woman alone in the forest. Join with him and investigate.-

-Yes, Honorable Heart.-

As Yegyun searched for Shen’s precise location, he wondered why a woman would come into the jungle unescorted—especially this jungle. This and the other anomalies made him think it might be a trap. He informed Shen of his suspicions as he leapt for the next tree.

-I thought the same,- Shen replied. –I am wary but nothing else has happened yet. She is still, apparently unconscious. Come quickly, Yegyun.-

Yegyun acknowledged Shen and hurried, swinging from branch to branch and keeping his senses alert for trouble.

-I sense your presence but I do not see you,- Shen called.

-I am near,- said Yegyun. –I can see you now.-

It was difficult in this gloom, but Yegyun discerned the outline of his comrade on a lower branch a few trees away. A moment later, he settled beside Shen and peered down toward the ground.

Anywhere else Yegyun had looked, the ground had been invisible through the mist. Here there was a small section where the fog had cleared to reveal the shape of a woman curled in the underbrush.

It was as if the mist wanted them to see her.

-Wait here for a moment,- said Shen. –I will investigate. Search for nearby threats and then join me.-

Yegyun nodded in silence as Shen slipped to the ground, and then allowed his magical senses to examine the area. He was not sure how much good it would do if there were more shadow monkeys—or worse—lurking about. He had not discovered anything by the time Shen started to rouse the woman.

-Shen,- he called, -it seems clear but I do not know.-

-Then report to Rena and come down anyway,- Shen answered without looking up. –The woman stirs.-

Yegyun obeyed.

The woman's dark hair blended seamlessly with the shadows. When she opened her eyes there was fear in them as she stared at Shen and Yegyun kneeling over her.

"Who are you?" she said, and her voice trembled.

"I am Shen," said the Scout. Then he pointed to his companion and continued, "This is Yegyun. We are with the Heart."

She looked grateful then but the panic remained in her aura.
Yegyun was more confused now. If the forest frightened her so much, she should not be here.

"You have come finally," she whispered as she raised herself and leaned back against the tree behind her.

Shen answered, "Yes. We must know who you are and why you have ventured into this forest."

"I am . . . Quda Shinea. We . . . have no food. My children starve. It has been . . . too long . . . since the mist came."

"But where are the Scouts and Hunters? Where is the Jutsu?"

The woman shivered and closed her eyes for a moment. "Gone—most of them. When the mist came, it swallowed the jungle and . . . all the Scouts on patrol." Tears flowed from her eyes when she opened them again. "The Elders worried and tried to send a message to the Quda'Chi Elders but . . . something . . . an unknown magic . . . prevented them. Then they tried to send some of the remaining Scouts, along with part of the Jutsu, to find the tribal Elders. They did not return."

"And the Hunters?"

"When food became scarce, they decided to brave the mists. They also . . . disappeared. Then the others that remained fell sick, and soon after the Elders did too. We . . . fear for their lives."

Shen exhaled sharply. He looked at Yegyun then and said, "I do not like this."

"Nor do I," said Yegyun.

That's enough. Thanks in advance for your feedback.

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Laura Stamps · Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 7:48 am Post subject:

This story has great possibilities, and I enjoyed reading it. Smile

I would make this suggestion. Sometimes it is hard for people to get into a story when it starts with a lot of prose background paragraphs. Nothing grabs a reader by the neck and drags her/him through a story better than starting with an interesting line of dialogue. So I always suggest starting a story or the first chapter of a novel with an interesting line of dialogue or a few beautifully written prose sentences, something that sparks the interest of the reader and encourages her/him to continue reading.

In your case I would start with dialogue, and I found a good one about 1/3 way down in your story. If I were you, I would start that way and then wrap the background story details around the dialogue all the way through your story to keep the interest of your reader. And you have lots of good dialogue to do that with already.

You could start the story like this, and then go from there....

"There is power in the heart," Yegyun whispered, when he noticed a flicker of light in a bushy tree across from the one where he was perched.
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Laura Stamps
"The Witchery Series" (Magickal Urban Fantasy Novels)
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (info about my novels)
http://www.OccultFiction.blogspot.com (my Author blog)

Michael · Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 11:32 am Post subject:

Thank you for the feedback, Laura! Sounds like a good suggestion, and I'm I'm glad you like it.

I've actually finished this one and submitted it to Another Realm. I'll wait for the rejection, then see about revising it. I'll admit I kind of did a hasty patch-up job rather than a full revision before I sent it in, so your suggestion might be just what it needs to catch that wary editor's eye!
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